The Mallard Apocalypse

by Apocalypse Mallard

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released April 28, 2014



all rights reserved


Apocalypse Mallard Canterbury, UK

Apocalypse Mallard are that much more than a band.
They are an idea, nay a manifestation of subconscious desire and raw musical talent laid bare.
Smashing aside the petty divsions of genre and style, attaining a level of cohesian and solid dependability seldom seen outside of the close-knit world of otter dressage.
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Track Name: Intro/duck/tions unt ab/duck/tions
He waits, patiently, at the waters edge.
Silent, careful.
Tracing the contours of the pond in his mind.
Nervously clasping his satchel 'neath the gibbous moon.
His frenzied fingers clawing into earth.
He awaits the fall...of night.
Track Name: Stealing from the pond (after dark)
I will cut off your kneecaps and force them down your throat
Then sew your lips together and feed you to a goat
You really annoyed me today
I heard you touched up my dog and my feline creature!
Stab you in the face with a pigeon
Stealing from the pond after dark
I held the duck in my hand and said
"I am wildlife"
Ramalcheese, rip his bill off!
Stealing from the pond at night is tricky
Especially when you haven't got a torch
"I have gathered together my favorite feathers
And arranged them in a way about my head
That creates a head garment
A hat!"
Stealing from the pond after dark
Track Name: Prelude to a birding
Apart from what happened at the beginning, he mused
It all went, quite well
With his feather satchel laden
And a mind crippled with guilt, he waddled shoelessly
Back to his tree fortress
Expressing delight and anguish in equal measure
But his path was chosen........
Track Name: Serious Birders
Birds birds birds, serious
Serious birders
Birdfeed is good for luring birds
Observation is critical
Taxidermy grandad, taxidermy grandad, taxidermy grandad
Unibreast keep away from my nest
Twitch, twitch serious
Twitch, twitch, twitch grubby little feathers
Don't cut my wings
Admire my plumage
I like the feel of grubby feathers in my cuts
Let me let me sniff the pigeons poo hole
"It's time ta break out somma that fuckin' goose-hand"
Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack
To defecate in the face of bird flu
Is my birthright
Telescopic technology
Revealing grubby, oily feathers
Aiding my fantasies
I cut myself in bushes watching
Birds, serious, serious birders
Track Name: Too far? (opening the knapsack)
And when he was done, all that lay before him
Were ten thou' assorted violated avians
Strewn 'all dumpsy' across the pond vista
Peafowls, loons, geese, quail, sandpipers
And a straggly puffin
Each with their ducky bum-holes apparent
Suddenly a lone plover raises his beak and sounds off
A bloody alarm quack
Heard for miles around as a call to arms for his grubby brethren
Realising he'd probably gone too far in his brutal regime of birding
He dons his feather head-garment
And prepares his goose hand for the onslaught of battle
Anas will feel my wrath
Track Name: The Mallard Apocalypse
In battle formation
They descend
Vengeance, retribution
They bring the end
Apocalypse with grubby intentions
Meted out with a twenty foot duck-bill
Justified by previous transgressions
You stole from the pond now taste my vengeance
He saw the peregrines doth swoop
Under the banner of Zazu and the toucans
Lo, the toucans and their jobby war ballast
I will not be broken
Phenomenal goose-hand
I will clip your wings
Fucking tag you
For the onslaught
For my menagerie
Pain and death I visit upon thy beaks this day
Sudden death should always be investigated
And the remaining birds observed
And for a moment the chevron skein is rescinded
And on the horizon the smoke of battle clears around enormous webbed feet
Armored with black chitinous husk
Anas Paltyrhncos Diabolous Mega Fantasticus
Strides the field of battle like a monolithic saggy git
Come to bring the mallard apocalypse
Prepare gooses-hand prepare
Prepare gooses-hand prepare
Beat them broil them eat them and excrete them
Mash them boil them put them in a stew
Show me that kingsmill I don't want no crust
Now I will feast on the ducky bum blood
Colossal ostrich, tank bastard
Take it goose by 'dropsy' goose
Stick your finger in it's bum tell me if it smells dead
Summon the motorway beast
Behold the phalanx of the heavy duck breeds
More serious
More serious
Brecon buff, steinbacker, buff back
More serious birds
The slaughter continues as flock by flock they descend
Hack bash kick and punch
Kill, kill ,kill
Critical energies build as the mutated bird monarch
Readies his final feathered extravaganza
He ruptures on both sides
Spewing forth centuries of pent up bird rage
Irresistible forces begin tugging at the fabric of reality
The end draws near
All the matter of the universe congeals around the titan
Forming a temporal vacuum
Expanding onwards from a nanoscopic point
The resulting blast wave negates existence
You are witnessing the mallard apocalypse
And we are apocalypse mallard
Goose step, goose step, goose step
Mallard apocalypse, mallard apocalypse
Mallard apocalypse, mallard apocalypse
Apocalypse, apocalypse, apocalypse